Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Denial has MANY flavors

The common image of denial is a brute-force collision with the easily observable: "That didn't just happen!" "That's not true!"

Unwillingness to confront is another well-understood version of denial: "I don't want to deal with that!" "Maybe if I ignore it, it'll go away."

Currently, I'm dealing with a much quieter, seemingly noble version: "Dammit, I don't want to use the wheelchair, I want to walk there myself."... Even when evidence suggests that "walking there myself" isn't doing me any good; that it might be a bad idea, not a strength- or (God forbid) character-building one.

And the question I'm starting to feel tugging at my sleeve is, "Why are you fighting like this?"

So I drive the wheelchair into the bathroom instead of parking it outside and walking in. So I have my friend pick me up and drop me off in front of the school instead of parking across the street and then struggling across, almost making it across before the signal changes. Which, in that neighborhood, might not be that good an idea, the drivers in that part of the world aren't at all pedestrian-friendly (or even pedestrian-aware).

Another friend told me today, "You're not crossing the street any more. When you get your car out of the shop, park it near the driveway, and I'll park it for you."

He can tell how much trouble I'm having crossing the street... why can't I--who's actually the one living through said problems?

Denial is an interesting beast. Subtle denial is the most invidious.

Why am I fighting?

Honestly, I don't know.

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