P/T begins

The first session of physical therapy, today. A very nice facility, the person who's supposed to be my primary therapist is respected amongst the staff for being the best one there at the neurological game, and she's the perfect combination of gentle, friendly, no-nonsense, competent, and compassionate. A few neurological tests; the only one I declined to do was "walk with your eyes closed," because (as I told her) I'm just going to fall over, just mark down "falls over" and I don't have to do the actual falling.

We talked about shepherding resources, making sure that I don't spend "too much" to accomplish "not much," about how seemingly innocent activities can be more depleting than we think--stuff we MSers all know too well already. I stopped her by saying, "The problem's not how much energy I'm using, the problem's that I don't replenish. Nothing recharges me."

That stopped her. "That's a problem," she said. Yeah, I know that. "What causes it?" she asks. Well, I told her, if I knew, I'd stop doing it and do something else, which would actually do the replenishing.

It's a problem. And I don't know what's wrong or how to change it.

But I enjoyed the physical therapy session. A proper amount of exercise, it's going to do me good, and maybe some of the physical degradation will be halted or--if all goes well--reversed.

But replenishing? That's another problem. One I've had for... months. Years, maybe.

And frankly, it's probably not caused by the MS, but it sure ain't helping the MS, or to live with it, or to live despite it.

The goal of the three-treasures herbalists is a state called "radiant health."

Well, I've found the polar opposite to that, emotionally/energetically. An interesting discovery. And a state that I'm very, very tired of living in.