Saturday, April 24, 2010

Empty perseverence

I am, I am sorry to report, back to a perpetually-out-of-energy state.

For the past several days--most of the week, actually--I hit my marks, I suppose... I get to where I'm supposed to get, I talk to the people I'm supposed to talk to. Mostly. I think. Talking to individuals, actually, is about all I feel that I can do at all well. Talking to groups is semi-OK, but actually "accomplishing things" is not, and accomplishing things using things in the physical world? Not a chance.

We had two concerts at school this week, I played in both of them, well enough; certainly well enough for being two and a half decades out of practice on a brass instrument, and being that I was in the middle of a high-school orchestra and sitting next to a couple of eighth graders, I'm happy to report that my correct-note-percentage was among the top scores of the show. But it took a lot of energy just to be at school for the show, much less to participate in it. (I'll post a recording later tonight, if all goes well, I'll update this blog when I do with a link.)

Yeah, I made it there, and made it through. I guess... But it just sucked me dry.

I worked with my wife this week, recording some voice-over material for some clients. Doing the recording was OK, all I had to do was click "record" and "stop" and take notes, and it was very informative hearing her interact with the clients. But setting it up? Setting up the studio, acquiring some new cables, rigging extra equipment required for the gig... That nearly did me in.

(Now, what exactly does "did me in" mean? ... hmm... It's one of my mother's expressions, I do tend to use it a lot nowadays, but what does it really mean? Well, I'd have to say, it left me utterly emotionally drained, drained to the point of almost wanting to cry just from emotional exhaustion. Almost too tired to move myself around the room, or the house. Unable to think or understand anything more complex than single instructions like "hand me that piece of paper." Pretty much worthless, as far as "getting things done" or "fun to be around" go.)

Many of my fellow MS bloggers share very moving stories of the horrors they have to endure at the hands of their MS drugs. (Alas, none of those tales are offset by heart-warming stories of how those same drugs have changed their lives for the better.) I don't do those drugs, I won't have anything to do with them. Many of them also share stories about attacks, exacerbations, horrible acute neurological malfunctions. Thank God, I don't get those.

What am I afflicted with? Data corruption: so I can't feel or control my feet properly (and a few other annoying symptoms which I won't detail but trust me, they're annoying). And fatigue: mental and emotional fatigue, so all-pervasive that it borders on spiritual fatigue, and so intense that it's making me in many ways effectively worthless. Not as a "liver," but certainly as a "doer," because my ability to manifest, especially to manifest creatively, is being shredded.

So what does this mean? Nothing... yet. As my neurologist continually reminds me, with neurological malfunctions, you just never know what's coming up next, so it's always too early to say that something has come to an end.

But I am damned tired of it. In ever so many ways.

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