Thursday, November 19, 2009

Just not interested

A very uncomfortable day, so far.

The first thing I want to make abundantly, perfectly, and completely clear, is that I have absolutely zero interest in dying. None. Zilch. Totally none. Absolutely none.

What is making this day so uncomfortable, so far, is that "zero" is pretty much the amount of interest that I currently have in living.

If my wife hadn't been so insistent upon it, I probably wouldn't have eaten anything at all today. I'm just not interested.

I'm (vaguely, sort of) handling some obligations... Writing source music for a production at the high school, and experiencing (almost said "enjoying," but that's a little more enthusiasm than I can actually muster) at least some success at that. Probably will make it to a handbell rehearsal tonight, since our first performance (a date I picked) is Sunday and one of our number is absent and I'll have to keep the rehearsal running and play her part, so that everyone doesn't get totally discombobulated by the missing player.

I really wish I could have taken a full "get out of life free" week, but I just didn't see the way to do it given what all was going on. Sure, if I had been hit by a bus (the paradigm unforseen disaster is always "hit by a bus," somehow) they'd get along fine without me, but I'm just not yet willing to play the "hit by a bus" card. Although I may play the "I need to leave rehearsal early" card tonight, we'll see how things go.

Music usually makes me feel at least a little better, it always has in the past. Even with what I found out after the fact was a mild case of measles and nearly-full-on-hallucinations, rehearsing made me feel better. We'll see where it takes me tonight.

Hope springs eternal. If I only had some... But, somehow... I'm just not interested.

Qi gong on Saturday, we'll see where that takes me.

But at the moment... I'm actually almost enjoying a really, really good cup of oolong, some sort of tea that came with the moon cakes my wife got in the Chinese part of town. Easily the best feeling I've had all day.

And y'know, given the way I've been feeling today... I'll take what enjoyment I can get.

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