Acceptance (see "running out of options to avoid it")

A good day, in many ways. Rough, at times. But good. At least, to start.

My wife woke up with a migraine this morning. I had more than enough energy to take care of her, to help her through the nasty part of the morning until we could get her to someone who does "medical massage" (shiatsu and the like) and best of all, the newly opened place that's less than a half-mile away took incredibly good care of her, she emerged from her session smiling and shining. I'm going there next week, they seem like wonderful people. And they have an adorable little lap dog, who will sit with you for as long as (or longer than) you want to rub her. I took her to lunch afterwards--she was feeling good enough to ask to be taken out--and we went to a vegetarian place whose owner and workers have become good friends over the years, where we got the news that they're closing for good at the end of this month. Sad for us, but we're happy for them; it's time, it really is, and if you knew the story (and it's quite a story) you'd agree.

And now, the "rough" sets in. I'm starting to notice that I'm only really good until like 1:00 or so, at least when I'm out in the world. We were out a little longer than I wanted to be, I got us home with reasonable aplomb and without incident, but I was feeling pretty crappy by the time we got home. Daily, I prove the Spoon Theory, but somehow I'm not smart enough yet to remember how to work with it rather than to be a victim of it.

I'm taking next week off of work; my MD and I decided that it was wise to take a bit of a break right now, in the hopes of fending off an otherwise impending crash-and-burn, which I kinda feel like is lurking a little too close for comfort. I'm going to maybe do some kyudo, definitely do some music writing (yeah, it's for school, but it's something that I like and it doesn't cause the same stress that other school stuff does) and I am definitely not reading my school e-mail, which I've done on all of my other "vacations," which was responsible for a concomitant lack of rest. This is a big problem, for me: pretending to rest, rather than truly resting. Why I find it so hard to stop my mental fidgeting and fully give myself over to resting when I'm allegedly "resting," I don't know, but just that small change would probably make a huge difference.

Next week will be the first big chunk of work I've taken off for MS proactively. I've lost a day or two here and there, a week once, last year; but those were all related to massive acupuncture blocks rather than out-and-out let's-be-honest-it's-about-MS-this-time incidents. This time, it's different. This time, it is about MS.

And, I think... that makes me sad.

...

I think that "having MS" just got ... more real.

...

Sigh.