Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Acceptance (see "still elusive")

One of the many, many reasons I love my weekly acupuncture appointment is that I have a few minutes to spend with a very, very wise person who helps me "cut to the chase" in whatever is really behind what's up with me at the time I see him.

We talked about the music performance issues, and my issues with the issues, and again he says, "You still haven't really accepted the MS and everything that it brings with it." And that I certainly haven't accepted what it has done to music performance.

Well, I can't disagree with him. There's too much turmoil within my performance problems. But it's really, really deep. And that's much of the challenge... On the surface, it's easy to deal with. "Well, that's not good... oh well..." There's a huge "it is what it is" component in the experience of my neurologically imposed difficulties. And yet, I have to be honest, it still bothers me, and it bothers me in a way that I am having a hugely difficult time articulating. Do I feel sorry for myself? Actually, no, not at all. ("Woe is me" is one place that I have never gone. At least, I don't think I've gone there--not with the MS, at least.) Am I angry? No, not really... Am I sad? Sort of, I guess, but no, not exactly...

Maybe I need to spend a day at the organ console and just play--and suck at playing--and just let myself go into the feeling and stay there until I figure out what it is.

Just the thought of doing that, just typing that sentence... scares me.

Great. Something else to deal with. First, deal with the fear of confronting the problem, then deal with the problem.

Well, that's the most unwelcome gift of MS. It leaves you no choice but to engage fully the entire truth of whatever life presents you.

My doctor quoted Mother Theresa as we began the treatment today: "God has never asked me to do something that I was unable to deal with. I just wish he didn't trust me quite so much."

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