One of the things you learn very quickly when you have MS is that you only have so much energy; best you should spend it on things that matter.
I used to write music. A lot of it. And, if I do say so myself, pretty good stuff.
I still can. But somehow, I don't.
I was at an orchestration conference earlier this year, and I was struck by a very clear rushing realization that this was where I belonged: making music.
I like to think that I still can. But somehow, I don't.
A quote from Babylon 5: "Working. Yes, I can see... the geometries that circumscribe your waking life, drawn narrower and narrower until nothing fits inside them anymore."
There are certain things we have to do to provide what the Buddhists call the Four Necessities: Food, clothing, shelter, medicine. But there are also things we have to do to be fully alive.
And I seem to be spending an awful lot of time and energy, neither of which I can ever get back again, on what my herbalist calls "Send the monkey up the tree."
Just what the hell to I have to do in order to do the things that I have to do? Not just to function, to exist, but to truly live?