Friday, April 22, 2016

A good idea

An interesting conversation yesterday with a caregiver... I gave my wife some time off so she could care for herself rather than me, and so I had a professional caregiver to hang with yesterday.  (I don't always need lots of "care as such" for the caregiver to do, but if nothing else, it's prudent to have someone who can walk hanging out with the guy who is wheelchair bound and who has found himself "floor bound" too often, it doesn't happen much any more but it's better to have someone there, y'know?)

The conversation often came to things like "What are you really afraid of?" and "Why are you afraid?"

I think I have finally come to a real understanding. I am not afraid of thing X Y or Z happening. It's not about fear. It has never been about fear. It has been about deciding what X Y or Z are going to be like.  It's about stuff like "I don't do things A B or C because then X Y or Z will happen, and I don't want that, so I'll just give up now."

It's not about fear. It's about deciding what is definitely going to happen and then just giving up, because those things are going to happen, after all.

Definitely going to happen is about things like "Don't try to walk because right now, that isn't going to happen." Well, that's why I have a wheelchair, after all. But what's important to not do is to decide upon the future which, being the future, isn't "decidable."

So, what do I need to do, then?

Pay attention. Be here now. Do what can be done at whatever moment it happens to be. "Man up," as the saying goes. Because really, how bad can things get? Looking at my fears and concerns, the worst thing imaginable is, at worst, an irritant. An annoyance. But not a reason to give up.

Giving up is not a good idea. So let's not do that.

And that... is definitely a good idea.

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