For now...

This was a blog entry of a few days ago. You'll understand why the title leapt out at me...

Is "better" possible?

Seth goes on to say "The easiest and safest thing to do is accept what you've been 'given', to assume that you are unchangeable, and the cards you've been dealt are all that are available." He's living in the "business world," but we MSers, we face this question all the time.

It hung me up repeatedly when I was in the hospital, it faces me every time I see the latest cash-cow-du-jour Fabulous New MS Drug. I would ask "And this is going to make me feel... better?" and just hear the rattle of the air conditioner. I hear a lot of things like "X is thought to [whatever]," and I know that's legal mumbo jumbo, but it just torques me off. My reaction: "You want ME to take this, but you don't know what it does?"

I take stuff all the time. B12. Thyroxin. Herbs, herbs, herbs, and more herbs. My care givers tell me what these things do. They know what they do, and more importantly, they know what they do for me. Here and now, as Ram Dass would say. Chinese herbalism is all about this... take this today, because today, this is what you need.

Yup. I've been spoiled.

We MSers, and Lord knows, certainly this MSer, that'd be me, need to accept what we're given. Because the way I am today, is the way that I am. Today.

I try to do it non-claiming-permanent-disability style. Yeah, I can't play organ. Today. Very, very different from "I can't play organ any more" or "... ever again." That's an easy, NLP-class of approach. I try to tell the truth at the time I basically "hit the wall," and once I am quite sure that I have indeed hit the wall, I give up... today.

But that's all I got. To give up... today. But not tomorrow... today, at least.

All sorts of people have said the same thing. Physical therapists, Rolfers, many many folks... There's a big difference between "hurts good" and "hurts bad." If it hurts good--do it. Strive for it. Enjoy it. If "hurts good," after all. But if it hurts bad... stop.

My "hurts" in dealing with the computer to write things like this, or maybe even music... Physically may not hurt bad, but face-planting into "my hands don't work so good," that hurts bad--emotionally, certainly. But when it hurts bad (emotionally), it definitely hurts (emotionally) pretty darned bad.

And I have definitely hit the wall, emotionally (with malfunctioning fingers) and energetically... yup, I'm done. Definitely.

For now... For now and today, at least. But later? Tomorrow? Who can say?

We'll find out when we get there. To "later," that is. Well, Ram Dass would remind us that "now" is all we get. And so, hitting the wall, is what I have.

For now... When "later" gets here, we'll see what happens then.

For now.