Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Click! Mu!

Man, it was... just like turning a switch.

This morning, I got up a little early (because of the sun) and stayed in bed a little late (because I wanted to), but felt great.

Started writing some concert-band music. Felt great.

Went to the oculist to turn in my new glasses prescription. Treated myself to new frames. Got the current specs adjusted... it vaguely helped, and also didn't. Something new has gone wrong with my eyes—thank heavens, not optic neuritis, or anything large-scale like that, but both eyes don't point precisely at the same thing, any more. Happens all the time, they tell me, gets corrected very easily (also all the time), and this off-axis misalignment is especially sensitive to fatigue: if you're tired, it gets worse, if you're not tired, it gets better. Not clear whether it's an M.S. thing or an "age" thing, but not that its cause matters in the least—it's happening and that's that. Oh well. The new prescription will address this (as best it can). My current computer glasses address it, very ably and very comfortably.

But anyway, visiting the oculist was easy and even fun. Then I visited an herb shop with a friend of mine, and we picked up our prescriptions. We had a fun chat with the folks in the shop and with each other (this guy and I have known each other for at least a couple of decades, now, we always have fun together). He had a full day so he had to excuse himself, and I took myself home. Had an egg salad sandwich my wife had made (I always love those). A very nice day. Very easy to accomplish everything.

At some point this afternoon, maybe 2:30? 3:00? something like that... it was like a switch went click! and then, I couldn't do anything. I made myself some tea, that was about all I was good for... I was actually at the point of heading out the door to get my hair cut, and I didn't even make it to the front door... I just gave up, turned around, and sat down. Typing this for you folks was about all I've been able to do. I have no idea what I'm going to have for dinner, it's gonna have to be something, but unless suddenly everything becomes better, it ain't gonna be much.

Is it going to be better tonight? Dunno. Am I going to make it out of the house to get anything? Dunno. Will I be able to write anything, to think about anything, to do... anything that's at all productive? Dunno.

Did "something happen to cause this"? Dunno. If it did, I'd sure like to know what it was, so I could do the polar opposite and make everything go click! back to happy and productive.

Disabled, physically, is one thing. Floating intellectual/energetic disability that intrudes itself for no apparent reason, and then goes away, and then comes back, all for no apparent reason... that's hard. Is i...t The Disease? A new manifestation of... The Disease? Is it something else?


Cheeze louise, "sort of," one of my all-too-favorite descriptors of my state, is somehow much easier to live with than "dunno." I suppose there's something Zen in that too... that maybe the lesson is (as Ram Dass was very famous for saying) just to "be here now." Here is where you are, now is when you are. Just be here now.

Is that the lesson?


Does it matter, if it is, or isn't?

This, at least, I do know. And, in a word, the answer is... no.

Or, to keep the Zen thing going:


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