Saturday, June 23, 2012

Attacks (?); click! ... and portents

Well, let's see... the usual challenges imposed by bad wiring connecting to everything below the waist. "Non-cooperation," let's call its relationship to my preferences/convenience.

Fatigue "attacks" (I guess I need to call them, because of their sudden and unannounced onset) have been very nasty. Pretty much the only "attacks," as such, that I've ever had... Everything's going well, and then! Must go to bed. I really, really, need to be in bed. Not "resting," not "taking it easy"... I need to be in bed. Sometimes, just lying down a few minutes will do the trick. Sometimes, napping a few minutes will do the trick. Sometimes, napping the rest of the day is the only thing that will do the trick. Then, of course, there's the expected trade-off/consequence of "not sleeping through the night," but that has been coming and going for months. Years, really...

And, another "attack," of sorts... depression. Things will be going just fine, then click! Depressed. Nasty depressed. Not "set off" by something, and not caused by acupuncture-curable energetic malfunctions—those, I'm really familiar with, I know way too much about how they feel when they hit, and that's not what's causing the depression. Grief, caused by disconnection from my old job, perhaps? Which, I think (I know), I still haven't fully processed. And need to process. But another unwelcome "attack."

New challenges being imposed by eyes not pointing in the same direction, all the time. Yesterday, it was quite bad... I kept tugging down one side of my glasses, to pull one lens slightly out of adjustment so that its "misaligned" image was perceived, in concert with the "aligned" image, to create a proper binocular composite.

Fortunately, I never really pulled the glasses out of adjustment, because this morning, my eyes are cooperating just fine with each other and I'm seeing as close to "normally" as I see. Well, normal for me, at least.

Some good news... I have several disability-insurance packages, one from the state, one from my former workplace, one that I've been paying for on my own for over a decade (just in case something like... now... ever were to happen). The first of them has gone through, which I hope will portend well for the others... which I hope will portend well for the whole disability/unemployment thing.

Considering that my elimination systems are misbehaving, my memory is nasty flaky in the oddest ways, I'm having "attacks" of fatigue and grief/depression, all of which are making it abundantly clear that me and "normal, full-time, employment" are clearly not meant for each other's company, at least for the foreseeable future ... Anything portending well is very, very welcome.


Gail said...

Hi, ya, I hear ya - the fatigue especially in the Summer is brutal. I am on SSD and thankfully I have a Long Term Disability plan form my work. The combination is enough, more or less for my contribution to our household finances. I have been retired since November 2010. It was sobering (no pun intended :-) ).... after a 20+ year career in addictions counseling in an inpatient setting.
Every day is a gift and a challenge.
Love Gail

Muffie said...

Robert, So sorry you're having problems -- sort of 'dark night of the soul.' I know [firsthand] that it's rough trying to handle it all. I could say 'this too will pass,' but you don't need trite cliches. Know that you're in my thoughts and prayers.

MelissaThinks said...

Hang n there Robert. This is a big adjustment. It took me about ten months to get "through" my ig change. I wish you the beat. Love your blog, but im usually too lazy to comment :-)