Thursday, December 29, 2011

Sensible vs. honest

Today was a "I just want to lie here" day.

I didn't want to read, I didn't really want to watch anything, I just wanted to lie down, in the bed, under several sets of blankets in a vain attempt to warm my legs, and sleep.

Usually, I've only had these "I need to stay right here, in bed" days when I was acutely ill. Usually, this time of year, by an invasion of what the Chinese medical system would call two of the External Pernicious Influences. Usually, an attack of Wind and Heat.

I've been completely Wind/Heat-attack free this year, for the first time in a long time (might be the new herbal formula). And, since I've got "progressive" rather than "relapse/remit," I can't really call this an "M.S. attack." Especially because it's nothing like what I've read (and been told) "M.S. attacks" are like. I just... want to stay in bed. Under the blankets. And sleep.

'Course that doesn't last all night. Last few nights, I've been very awake between 2 and 4 AM. Twitching. In terror, in fear for how I'm going to make it next year, income-wise. That has been a very interesting confrontation of lack of faith; to lie there shaking, and the "sensible mind" says "The proper road already exists. It always has. You just need to find it." and the "honest mind" says "I know that. But I don't believe it. If I did, I wouldn't be so scared."

The M.S. Journey has brought me into very sharp confrontation with my inner flaws/demons/choices. As the Islamic saying goes, the inner jihad is the great jihad. And I know from kyudo that one of the first things you gotta do is to get out of your own way. And offer yourself. And open your hands.

But I'm still scared. Terrified.

A very interesting gift of M.S.... A disease that's neurologically all about "againstness," as the immune system is chewing pointlessly, and harm-creatingly, on your own nervous system; that is bringing me into direct confrontation of my own self- and ego-imposed againstness. Againstness that I'm fighting so hard to maintain.

Ah, for a funny herbal formula that'd help address that againstness. Can't imagine how it would taste, though... Good? Foul? Both?

No comments: