Friday, December 23, 2011

Lying down

I am SO tired.

Tomorrow, I have to play timpani/percussion, and sing, at a Christmas Eve service. The chairs I will have to sit in are not going to be comfortable or easy to spend an hour in.

But since I'll be stationed behind the choir... I actually could get away with lying down; nobody would see me, not even the organist. On the floor. It'll be cold, nasty cold, 'cause the floor is stone, but... lying down. That might be nice. Or necessary.

Hope it doesn't come to that.

I've been working at (poking at, sometimes) Possibilities For The Future. It's been interesting going in new directions, going to new places (mentally). But exhausting. And although a lot of the ground I've been traveling has needed traveling, right now I ain't really going anywhere besides the Land Of Learning About Things, rather than the Land Of Accomplishing Things. And I suppose learning things is accomplishing things, even knowing the maxim that "all writing is rewriting" doesn't mean that when you're metaphorically rewriting, and rewriting, and rewriting, and not visibly heading towards the finish line... it's hard.

Especially when you're tired and vacation time is the time that, theoretically at least, you're supposed to spend your energy on recovery.


Well, all I feel like I want to do is lie in bed, and I keep coming to the "I gotta lie down" place both physically and emotionally, so whaddaya think? Maybe tomorrow I'll stay in bed until it's time to put on the tux and head down to perform for Christmas Eve. They're playing a lot of my music, both arrangements and compositions, so it should be at least a little fun. I hope. I should be getting recordings (oops--gotta not forget to take the recorder!) and I'll post them here, if they come out OK.

And I make it through the service OK.

Well, that is one of the gifts of M.S. If it teaches you nothing else... it's how to make it through the hard spots.

And really, looking back at all I've lost, and given up, and the rough road I've walked (and continue to walk) and the physiological failures/miscues/unwelcome surprises...

Making it through one Christmas Eve service?

Yeah. I can do that.

And as I do my best to make the seating comfortable enough—and certainly, if I do have to make use of the "this is my chance to lie down" opportunity... you know, I'm going to smile. Because, as I say very, very often... comedy like that, you can't write.

And smiling at yourself while you're lying on the floor... that is definitely a gift of M.S.

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