Tuesday, March 22, 2011


Things are still pretty low and lumpy.

Really low energy. Not exactly "crash and burn," but definitely "crash," hitting the sack very hard immediately upon returning home from anywhere, and then awake for no particular reason for a couple of hours (at least) starting around 1AM.

I'm hoping that acupuncturing tomorrow will put at least a little spring back into my step.

Was very pleased that I made it to the market for Thai green-curry paste and coconut milk, and (after my afternoon crash and snooze) was able to create a not-all-that-bad curry. The first Thai cooking I've done in a while, it turned out pretty darned good. Only had enough energy to wash one pot rather than all the dishes, but hey! It's better than nothing.

Had some interesting thoughts about "againstness" in my life; "againstness" in many forms. My acupuncturist says that "butting heads" is one of the reasons I keep getting my energy stuck... since I seem to have a lot of time to think (I wake up for no particular reason around 1AM and can't get back to sleep for a couple of hours) I played back some memories of "head butting," trying to find patterns. And what I found was this: my absolute worst spiritual "crash and burn" moments have been when I've been prevented from making a difference. When I saw the way to make things better--I had the ability, I had the vision, I knew what to do and how to do it, and often I had even gotten things under way... and then, I was stopped. Cold. By someone who Just. Didn't. Get it.

What I do best is catalyze changes of consciousness and perception. Sometimes I misunderstand things, yeah, but when I do get it, I really get it, and I can really change things significantly for the better. And my worst "crash and burns" have come when someone stopped me from making things better. And they never explain things, they never tell me how I misunderstand the situation, or how yes I'm right about what I want to do would be good but there's a reason we have to suffer with the imperfection or whatever... they just stop me. And they Just. Don't Get it. They don't get the problem, they don't get what needs fixing, they don't get why I want to do something, and worst of all they just don't get me.

So I'm wondering... is MS now playing the role of the villain who wants to stop me? Who just doesn't get it? Pre-MS life was pretty much abounding with opportunity, those opportunities went away not because of the MS, but just because things come to an end sometimes, and these things just happened to drop off at the same time. But MS doesn't exist, as a separate entity; calling it the villain is just a delusion. But is it really the physical MS-related changes that are getting in my way, or is it those changes compounded upon something else?

Seth Godin talks about not waiting for people to "pick you," that you have to "pick yourself." In "Culture and Value," Wittgenstein said that "A man will be imprisoned in a room with a door that's unlocked and opens inwards; as long as it does not occur to him to pull rather than push it." Living with MS is living in a room with a lot of closed doors, doors that didn't used to be closed. Doors that didn't even have doors blocking the openings. And I've been pulling on them, pulling hard on each one of them, because that's always what has worked before.

Well, pulling doesn't work any more. And I'm living in a state of "crash and burn" because I'm being stymied, being unable to create, to catalyze, by someone who just doesn't get it. That'd be me, of course, who still doesn't "get" how to live with MS.

And, I think, I haven't yet really grieved what I've lost, on so many levels. And until I do that, I can't move forward.

As if locomotor and elimination issues weren't enough to deal with.

Sigh. What a road.

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