Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Meeting "now"

A most rocky week, so far. One of the hardest in several months.

The musical of last weekend cost a lot more than I had anticipated. I've been effectively bedridden for three days; walking is on the edge of "not happening." I can still walk, but it really feels like every step is going to be the last.

Got some good work done at the acupuncturist this morning (he fixed a couple of nasty blocks). We had the beginnings of a good talk... perhaps he wanted just to plant the seeds today, rather than plow the fields. But we talked about "butting heads," and how me being in a state of easily-engaged contention was causing some of my energetic woes. MS is all about "againstness," the immune system chewing on things it doesn't need to chew on, the nervous system trying to reroute itself around the damage--there's nothing that isn't againstness in the whole process. The last thing I need to bring to the process is butting heads with friends, with co-workers, with the world, with myself.

And while I was talking to him, it dawned on me that I'm approaching every single problem/situation/moment of my life with the old way of doing things. With the pre-MS way of doing things. And that way... just doesn't work any more.

Really, truly, coming to 100% engagement with "that was then, this is now"-- no, not that entire sentence. "This is now." I can't engage the new without completely changing the way I look at it, because I'm still approaching everything with what has always worked--and "what has always worked" is what's least available to me.

New formula from the herbalist today--actually tastes almost nice, a welcome change. He told me what he was trying to address with this formula, I asked him whether there was anything else to be done, and he basically said no: we have to do first what needs doing first, and until what needs doing first has been done, there's no point in doing what doesn't need to be done yet.

Well, if that isn't a convoluted way to re-emphasize dealing with "this is now," I don't know what is. But, of course, he's right.

And, of course, the week wouldn't be complete without more oddball unintended humor. I was truckless for three days this week (thank heavens it's back now). It was in the shop because the modifications I had done to enable the installation of hand controls weren't done properly.

And what was the problem?

The electrical system, of course. The truck's nervous system was bad.

Life imitates art, but machinery? Jokes like this, you can't write.

1 comment:

nicole said...

This is absolutely beautiful. I love it. Awesome attitude. Great everyday explanation of MS! I'm going to quote you somewhere soon. Of course, with due credit, no doubt! Nicole