Saturday, March 19, 2011


This week continues to be very difficult.

My acupuncturist can usually restore a "stuck" energy condition with four needles, very quickly. He did that for me, Wednesday. Cleared a lot of stuck-ness.

I don't think the non-stuckness lasted 24 hours. Maybe something like 16 hours... I think the stuck-ness returned around 2:00AM, and I know I had it when I got up Thursday morning.

This is getting very hard to take. LSD trips can be quite horrible, but at least the drug wears off eventually. The "stuck-ness" shows no signs of leaving. It just keeps getting worse.

It is not, itself, neurological. But it can certainly make the neurological issues worse. Which it is. Walking and standing are, at least today, not working out very well. I stood for over an hour cooking dinner--and dinner was really good, quinoa with lentils and roasted carrots and brussel sprouts, with pan-seared onions and shiitake mushrooms. Good and good for you. And 100% vegan, even! But at the end of cooking, I took a picture to share on Facebook, and I could barely hold up the camera--arms weren't giving out, but legs were. Very disheartening.

Now, I know I've talked a lot in the past about a "creative drought." It's hard to look at what I did for the school musical and say that "I'm not creative." I did the production design, the set design, and the lighting design, all of which I'm very proud of. One of the lighting-design moments was especially wonderful:

I wish I could show it to you in full motion--the sunburst at the back is two patterns spinning in opposite directions. Truly glorious.

And yet, I feel like my creativity is if not gone, it's very hard to access. It took something very special to allow that moment to be created. Pre MS, I could create my own "special somethings" that would create wonderful things at the drop of a hat. Now... I come home exhausted, lie down in bed, sleep for a couple of hours, eat nothing much for dinner, go back to bed, wake up at 2AM, sit and stew for a while, and then wake up at 7 to start everything again. In the pre-MS days, it'd be come home from work and then start creating, creating, creating.

I miss that.

I know it's still "in me," creativity can still happen, but... this "stuck energy" thing has got to go.

And I have no idea what to do to get rid of it. Which, I'm told, is How It Works... nobody knows what causes it, or what clears it. Sometimes, you just gotta grow out of it.

MS, I can summon patience for. Blocked energy... I can't take. I haven't had my energy flowing properly for at least two years ... three, maybe? And I am So. Goddamned. Sick of it.

Which attitude probably doesn't help make it go away.

If it really isn't treatable... if it really is a "growth" thing... there is nothing to "do" for it.

If I had the energy, I'd get mad and swear a blue streak.

Great. Not having enough energy to swear to the heavens, railing against the universe for... not having enough energy.

Comedy. It's inescapable on the neurological highway. Or the human one.

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