Monday, March 30, 2009

On the road to Damascus...?

Y'know, I was referred by some Big MS Organization (remaining nameless simply because I forgot which one it was) to some other poor sufferer's zone on blogspot, and he's clearly having a much worse time of it than I am, physically at least.

I find a lot of these sites here and there, by people who are really struggling with the physical impacts of MS. And I'm really grateful that my road isn't theirs.

And of course, I'm tussling with physical stuff, but I can still walk around my own house unassisted, I can still drive (sometimes I think it's getting shakier but it's still basically OK), I can still shop, I can still hold down my job and the students at said job are actually a big part of why I'm really very happy with my life, MS and all.

But where this thing is really kicking my tail is energetically. Part of it is simply being out of energy. All the time. Even after visiting my oriental-energy caregivers who, prior to The Disease, were able to very nicely fill me up with energy, thank you very much. And have it last a good long while. I mean, I went to one of my current acupuncturist's teachers for a treatment a few years ago, and told her my creativity wasn't what I wanted it to be, and she fixed the problem. Big time.

Now... nothing lasts. Oh yeah, they can fill me up, but in twenty-four hours, sometimes less, I'm back to "empty."

And I'm starting to get very unusual, or maybe not "unusual" but completely unexpected, waves of odd and unwelcome energy. Today, for example, I had gone out to a restaurant with my wife and two friends. Had a lovely time. It completely drained me. I stood up, getting ready simply to go to the next room, and I was washed over by a wave of not just fatigue, but darkness--this has been happening for days, but today I was finally able to give it a name.

Grief.

I don't know where it's coming from. Or what it's grieving. But it's sad, and it's stuck, somewhere.

So now, I'm looking for ... whatever it is I'm supposed to find, so that the scales will fall from my eyes and move on to wherever "on" wants me to be.

This too, is a gift. I just don't know how to unwrap it. (Yet.)

1 comment:

Stuff could always be worse said...

I find these struggles to be challenges of life, it seems to come in many different forms. You have a good blog, keep on writing.