Wednesday, March 4, 2009


An interesting wall I keep running up against, coming at it from a wide range of different angles/approaches...

Something in my life needs to change. Something deeply, profoundly, fundamental to my very consciousness needs to change.

I have no idea what.

That's why I say "profoundly fundamental;" whatever it is, it's so integrated into my current consciousness that it's at the level of basic assumption (like the way you assume that things fall if you drop them--it involve things so basic to the way you think the world works, you don't even notice that you actually assume it's going to happen before it does). And it's so fundamental to the way I think that I can't see that it's what I'm doing.

I have noticed that The Disease has already brought a lot of changes, many of which I like very much; one of which being my response to people in distress, my compassion and patience has, by and large, gone way up.

But I feel like something is waiting to change, wanting to change, needing to change. And I have absolutely no idea what it is, or what it wants to become.

I have always felt that life teaches you lessons progressively. First, it taps you on the shoulder. Then it pokes you. Then it pokes you harder. Then it slaps you in the back of the head. Then it hits you in the face with a two-by-four. You're really best advised to figure out what it's trying to teach you before it gets to the "drives over you with an eighteen wheeler" stage of the lesson-delivery escalation, because if it gets that far, things are going to be really, really Bad.

MS is a pretty serious poke, in terms of a "there's a change I want you to make" signal. I really want to figure out what that change is, before the universe decides it needs to try even harder to get my attention.

Believe me--you have my attention. It's your intention that I can't grasp.

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