Clarity

Now, let me begin by saying clearly, without hesitation or qualification, that I have no desire whatsoever to be disabled, laid up, or otherwise sidelined by The Disease.

What I would like, though, is either to be clearly well enough to go about my business unhindered, or clearly sick enough to say unapologetically that I need some time off.

Instead, I'm living in a puddle of uncomfortable indeterminacy, "sort of" able to function just fine, but simultaneously "sort of" not able to function well, sometimes on the edge of functioning not at all.

And for my convenience, I find myself completely incapable of explaining exactly what's wrong.

Now, yesterday I did (after a way-too-long period of writer's block) manage to finish a piece of music, but only by doing work for an hour or so, then off for ten-plus minutes, then work for an hour, then off for a while. It took a very long time, but at least I got it done.

Now, I can hear it now... it's hardly "bad" that I need to go outside and sit in the fresh air every hour or so, or a "loss" to not be able to do four hours without stopping powering through. What's "bad" is feeling that something's...wrong. Not sure what. But I need to go outside and sit in the air now, or things are going to be... bad. Not sure how.

Not sure, not clear. And not comfortable.

Not pleasant.