Friday, May 16, 2014

This story begins by sounding like it's going to be bad.

Yesterday, I hit the ground. Not hard, but bad. Legs just went out from under me, knotted themselves up, and I could not move. Anywhere.

And what do I think while I'm on the ground?

It really is nice and cool down here. It was 101 or something outside, at least that's what the phone said, it was wicked hot. Nasty hot. But on the floor, it was nice and cool. And I enjoyed that.

I call for help, which comes, and I explain that I can't move. My poor wife, whom I outweigh by maybe a couple of pounds or so, not much at all, does her best to try to do something, anything, to help.

Try as she might, there was nothing that could be done... my legs were so weak, and so completely out of my control, that there was nothing to do.

She eventually managed to get me onto some sort of blanket, and used that to drag me over to the bed, which is the only place I could manage to grab ahold of and hoist myself into any non-on-the-ground position. With her help, I got my legs into some sort of kind of maybe vaguely useful position, but what with the beadstead and her help with my legs, I managed to get to my knees and hoist myself onto the bed, at which point I managed to get my hips enough onto the bed, at which point my wife could hoist my legs up and I was lying on the bed nice and safe.

And here's the thing. At the end of it all, I was... happy.

The floor was deliciously cool, perfect for a hot day. Yeah there were plenty of "ow that hurts" moments, but none of them stayed with me. Yeah my wife had a hard time helping me, there were many things she tried but that just didn't or wouldn't work, but between the two of us, we made it. And that, that, was wonderful.

Being the caregiver is hard. Nasty hard. The one you love is failing, and there's not always anything that does anything they might think of as actually helping, because whatever they try, sometimes it doesn't work.

And yet, at the end of it all, it worked, and it's wonderful. You were rescued by one who cares for you; in my case, one whom I love more than anything else.

I hit the ground. And couldn't move. And couldn't help myself. At all. And yet... it was beautiful.

It was a real "Kino's Journey" moment. The world was definitely NOT beautiful. And yet... it was beautiful.

Now that's a real gift of MS. To see only beauty, where nothing is beautiful. That's a wonderful gift.

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