Interesting days, these. Even by current "interesting days" standards.
Last Monday, I had my weekly treatment from my MD/acupuncturist/spiritual advisor. He told me that one of his other MS patients had told him that the amazing thing about MS is that whatever it was that brought IT to US, or US to IT, whatever it was that caused us to travel the MS Highway...
... is precisely what we need to survive it.
Well, I'll certainly tell you that the more I see, the more I see, and the more that I see that I'm seeing.
I've been reading much of the daily submissions of Ram Dass at ramdass.org, and I've been finding it especially supportive, and superbly encouraging to me to get out of my own way.
Especially supportive was his writing on the Witness. He writes "I am not my thoughts," and we can all certainly remind ourselves that "I am not Multiple Sclerosis." But even the simple "I feel [X]" instead of justifying/explaining/yammering/drowning in fighting for how you want to tag whatever brought you to that place... doesn't matter. How do you feel? Well, I feel... whatever you feel, but that's what you feel. Speak the truth. As we hear Rick encouraging Morty very frequently, "Don't judge."
But I will tell you that simply witnessing myself, seeing and saying (silently or aloud) "Yeah, that's what I'm doing..." makes a huge difference.
It's one thing to witness when one is catheterizing or doing other Medical Things (best to pay attention regardless), but in the paying of attention, one sees the most amazing things.
Certainly witnessing when I'm doing to my most-loved one the very thing that over the years has really pissed me off in all sorts of diverse circumstances... that's a very revealing piece of witnessing. Liberating, too... because when I see what I'm doing, I'm no longer trapped in the "doing" of that very thing; I'm free from it, I'm free from doing it, I and everyone around me, is... free.
Even so—as Rick reminds us, "Don't judge." Don't compound the problem by layering cruft all over it. Just witness. And separation from the problem, especially a you-really-should-be-paying-better-attention problem, will reveal its solution.
So, that's definitely the way to go today (and every day). Small steps, like instead of saying "That pisses me off," just saying "I'm pissed off" makes an immediate difference. Is that changing my MS condition? Who can say? But it's changing my "living" condition. Getting myself out of my own damned way.
Or at least, being able to realize "I'm in my own way." But even that's too much... what I am called upon to do is... just say "I feel..."
Simple truths. Let's start—and end—there.