I'm being tortured by a belief that today "counting," on many days, is being stolen from me.
I "couldn't write music today," on the days for, whatever reason, I felt like I had nothing to give. I "couldn't work on my [fill in the blank]" because I felt like I had nothing to give.
Sometimes I asked to be pushed in the walker/wheelchair, because I feel like "I just can't walk right now."
I don't do the dishes, or I don't cook, because I just don't have the energy to stand up that long.
In all those cases, do I really not have the energy to do it? Or do I believe that I don't have the energy, and thus don't have the energy?
They feel the same—that's the nasty bit. Believing that I'm in a state of lack, and being in a state of lack, somehow feel the same. Intellectually, I know they're not, but I haven't figured out how to really and truly tell the difference between them.
Great. Not like I'm not living in enough confusion, with my nerves sending confusing messages about "is the leg hot or cold" or "is the leg numb or not" or "can you walk or not."
Yeah, the human condition is living within a world of perpetual non-certainty, in which belief or fear can cloud direct gnostic apperception of truth. And one thing's for sure about M.S.... it's nothing more or less than the human condition, simply writ so large and clearly that we do not have the luxury of ignoring it.
Ah, but that particular luxury was so nice, those cuddly days that we used to have it, wasn't it?
Sigh. As a wise friend of mine once said, there are many paths to enlightenment; but "nostalgia" isn't one of them.