I had to have two acupuncture treatments this week; Monday, and today (Wednesday), after which I saw my herbalist and got a real "blammo" herbal formula, which I'm supposed to bang down every two hours for the next few days or until my legs start getting stronger.
Absolutely amazing realizations today, on many levels.
One thing my doctor told me, during my dharma talk/acupuncture treatment, is that he too is finding that the MS experience is really "shaking his tree" where it comes to attachment. This has been very much my experience, too... it keeps forcing me to come to grips with grieving for what things that I am losing, or have lost, no matter how big or small the loss.
I also realized today just how huge invitation is in my engagement of life and creativity. I've always been a "creative" rather than an "administrative" type, I tend to be drawn to create catalytic, transformative experiences. But I need to be invited to create that transformation. I'm just realizing that a lot of my jobs that have "dead-ended" badly were in places where I wanted to create a transformation, that I tried to create a transformation, but They, whoever "They" were, just didn't get it, and truth be told, did not want it; and so, I was stopped. Cold. And the story almost always ended badly... sometimes very, very painfully.
Something really hit me when I saw a recent exhibition at the Huntington Library. The second I saw this, I heard these words in my head: Create your art, even if nobody asks for it, wants it, or likes it. Create it because it's your art. And that's reason enough.
I wonder if this is the big change that the universe has been trying me to make. I realized yesterday that I was very, very angry at the universe for taking away the people who loved my art, asked for my art, celebrated my art, gave me unbelievable opportunities to create beauty, to create sublime transformation. Well, yeah, in the mundane world they retired; but I saw it as the universe taking my joy away from me.
And this may be where the MS road has been trying to take me: Just create your art. It's enough that you create it. It's hard since I tend to create such collaborative art--when you write music for people to perform, it doesn't really happen until it's performed. But I need to stop trying so hard to change people that don't want to be changed or circumstances that they don't want to let go of, even if I could make them better.
Robert Heinlein said, "Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig." I need to stop trying to get the pig to sing, and start singing myself—whether anyone else wants to sing with me, or even listen to me.
Time to go get more herbs. If this formula works, there's a good chance that the leg-strength degradation that's been slugging at me could very well be reversed.
A good night of rest; kind of a heavy day tomorrow, but with luck, I'll make it. And then... time to start creating my art. Whether anyone else wants it or even cares about it... because, dammit, it's my art, and it needs creating.
Let's see if I can go down that road for a change.