Boats and a helicopter

I so desperately need to see my acupuncturist. I feel awful. "I don't know how I'm able to live like this" sounds darker than I intend it, and I'm certainly not going to do anything THAT drastic to end it (or should I say, to End It--I'd never do that to my friends and family, no matter how glum I feel) but "I don't know how I'll be able to work like this" is certainly true.

I spent yesterday reviewing the last two years of blog posts. In the vast majority of them, I talk about being blocked (the five-element-acupuncture condition, for those of you who haven't also read the last two years of posts). No energy, no creativity, certainly no enjoyment of life. Which means that I've been stuck in this horrible place for basically two years. If not more.

My doctor/acupuncturist says that nobody ever knows what causes these things, but they indicate a need to make a change in one's life. I'm happy to stipulate that, but... as to what to change, I'm completely lost. I talk philosophical, but clearly, I ain't doin' s--t about it. 'Cause if I were, I would have put an end to this suffering long ago.

Story goes, a man's home was nearly swept away in a flood. He was standing on the roof of his house, clinging to life as best he could. A boat came by; someone called out to him to jump aboard. He said, "No--God will rescue me!"

A second boat came by; those in the boat desperately tried to get the man to come aboard, but he insisted, "No--God will save me!"

A helicopter flew by, a ladder was tossed out, the pilot tried to wave the man on the roof onto the ladder, but he waved them off: "No--God will rescue me!"

Presently, the flood waters rose and overwhelmed the house and the man. He drowned.

Crossing the pearly gates into paradise, the man confronted God: "I believed in you! I had faith in you! I thought you would save me--but you let me drown!"

God said to the man, "I sent two boats and a helicopter. Wasn't that good enough? What else did you want?"

So, I am drowning in energetic blocks. The universe has, I'm sure, already sent more than two boats and several helicopters, but I'm still drowning. There is a way out of my current situation, but I have no idea what it is.

What do I want?

Understanding of what to change. Because I definitely can't continue living like this. Neurological, I can live with. No energy, no creativity, no enjoying simply being alive--that really, really, sucks.