Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Completely different

Got completely bowled over by today's acupuncturing. I'm still pretty loopy, I'm ducking into bed very very soon.

Got some good news on the MS front. I was worried that because my symptoms were worsening, it might be a foretaste of "you have progressive MS, not the 'good' kind, relapsing/remitting," but he said that it might be as simple as my recent cold (or whatever it was) simply aggravating things, colds are known to do that. So, we'll give it a few days, and see whether to start or stop worrying.

We had quite the discussion about "next steps." It is clear to me, and he agrees, that a Big Change in my life is called for. Unfortunately, neither of us has had any idea what to change.

I have begun to realize that I don't do anything for me. I don't write music for me. I don't write stories for me. I don't do magic for me. And when I don't have people to write music for, to write stories for, to do anything for... I'm stuck.

An art teacher told me once that he had no interest in looking at art that had been commissioned. He was only interested in art that someone had done simply for themselves; in that art, you see what they're really about.

It has been years since I created any kind of art (written or musical) for me.

My doctor's beloved teacher's final words to my doctor, spoken quite literally from his own deathbed, were, "Take care of yourself, my son."

Maybe it's time for me to follow that advice.

What form will that take? I don't know. I don't know anything, really, about what I need to do.

Except... it needs to be completely--completely--different from what I'm doing now.

Completely different.

Time to listen. The road I need to follow exists, it's already before me, and it's waiting for me to talk it. But I won't hear its call until, and unless, I listen.

Knowing that I have to do that, is a gift of MS. The rest... is up to me.

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