Bad show

A jaunt to the herbalist, yesterday. I asked for some bladder-assisting herbs, which he provided and which may be doing something helpful... we'll see.

More observations, of my own challenges... If I don't eat by the clock, I hit the wall. Sure, we'll eat a littler later, one person may say.... but no, now I've hit the wall, don't have the energy to even attempt to eat, and if I don't eat anyway, I hit the wall harder. A good way to get into the "NOTHING helps" state.

Plus, software bogosity. Apple said I should install this OS upgrade. Well, I did that, but now no applications that rely upon the "piano keyboard" for well, anything, don't work. Now, even if I wanted to create music, I couldn't. Great... I have been robbed of playing the organ or pretty much any other beloved instrument by the MS pathway, but this is Apple telling me that it will Make Things Better and things now wind up not only worse, but unrecoverable. Gone.

I do not with ill fortune upon them. Well, not as such, but what I do wish on them is... So, you've made this better? Good. Use it yourselves.

As Gordon Ramsey is often heard to say on his various cooking shows...

"You served this without tasting it."

Serving it without tasting it. Great idea... or rather, as Pops often says on Regular Show...

"Bad show!"

Why judge?

I'm seeing an interesting pattern, in the way I handle, or more specifically don't, handle things.

Now nothing has changed; still wheelchair bound, still can't stand, the usual.But sometimes, getting into or out of bed, easy!

Except when it isn't; when this happens, I'm trapped in "can't." Can barely get into or out of bed; can't deal with using my fingers to control the iPad (no matter what size), or the phone; when I'm at my studio computer, as I am now, I get into a state of "even poking with one finger doesn't work."

Well, this morning, I'll next try to add a little bit more food to the tummy; the "insufficiently fed" state is a great way to hit the wall. So, that, I can fix.

AS for the rest of the time... I don't know how to get out of the "can't state," but it would be good to stay well clear of the "freak out" state. Which sadly happens too easily...

A happy rush to the kitchen for emergency waffles... typing is better now, slightly, but better.

I am starting to come to peace with "my body part X is doing Y now" moments. Some I'm pretty much at peace with, some... as Ram Dass says, I've still got work to do.

Quite the amazing gift of MS...

Coming to peace with the reality of my expression of this incarnation. A first lessons...

It does what it does.

It just ... happens. It happens anyway, so...

Why judge?

Everything

An interesting gift of being pretty much house-bound, certainly being chair-bound, non-driving, non... pretty much anything... is seeing the difference between "needs" and "wants."

I "need" whatever it is I say I need, at the moment. It's often a whim, a preference. I "need" new Pop-tarts. I "need" to see a new Adventure Time; it has, after all, been a full seven days since the last one.

I "need"--well, I'd really, really like--the cat to stop screaming at me. If nothing else, I'd really like to understand what it is she's "talking" about.

But real needs? I need my prescription medications available by their schedule; take what I'm supposed to take at the time that I'm supposed to take them. I need medical devices available and ready when I need them; no worries, no justifications, I need what I need when I need it or Bad Things may happen. What said Bad Things may be depends on the devices and how my need for them is expressing itself.

But, the gift? Seeing how the caregiver needs care given. And said caregiver is just like me; sometimes it's "wants" and fulfilling said wants would be very much enjoyed, but sometimes it's "needs" and best you should fulfill those as best you can. And sometimes what's really important is... nothing.

Ask no care of the caregiver. Send the caregiver out to have fun on their own terms, and in their own way.

The smiles you get back are, in their own way, care given to you.

So, sometimes wu wei, or the doing of nothing, is the doing of...

Everything.