Days seem to go somber as I just sit and look at the outside world... I'm going down a very dark version of Memory Lane, remembering day after day of Doing Things Totally Wrong. Having to remind myself over and over of Ram Dass's call to "be here, now."
And a new call to myself, to my own consciousness, something very specific that needs to change.
I need to become unattached to "not caring anymore." Yeah, I still need to unplug about caring about specific moments/people/actions of the past, which are past and gone, very much over and gone... but to specifically becoming unattached to Not Giving A Damn. Mostly about simply being alive.
Living in a morass of Not Caring is not good for me. Or anyone. It's not like I need to become more attached to caring, it's that I need to be unattached to Not Caring.
An interesting call. Perhaps being fully within Being Here Now will leave no room, no purpose, to Not Caring. The active dissatisfaction with simply being alive and somehow wanting that to be different so I wouldn't be mired in the world of Not Caring. Which, believe me, is not a good place.
There's nothing to be done about the myelin "wiring" problems that MS comes with, but malignant Not Caring... That I can change.
And why is that so hard?
Even knowing that, I don't think would make a difference. Gotta change my consciousness, and that doesn't come with an easy method.
What if I start with being Here, Now?
Is that not something I can do, MS or not?
Perhaps I should start doing that... being here, now.
A good start, yes?