Wednesday, March 19, 2014

I ain't got...

Acceptance, and denial. Well, that's humanity for you.

I get things from various MS Societies. They often offer "Living with MS" sessions, which I suppose for those who are helped, are miraculous.

I've never tried one yet.

I didn't go to a friend's musical yesterday. He's very proud of it (he's a producer rather than a lyricist or composer, but he has something to do with it, certainly), my wife made the show, she said it was charming. We had all hoped I could go. My wife had even called the theater to make sure it was wheelchair-accessible.

Now, it turned out that like most Old Places in Hollywood, it of course was NOT wheelchair accessible, time was when I could hobble up three steps well enough... but, hobbling down is/was another matter, and stopping the show to help the cripple down a few steps so he could then undertake the next challenge (the bathroom), that wouldn't have been good. At all.  So, I suppose it was in some ways good not to go.

But those issues were all discovered later, before the decision not to go was made. "Decision"? Yeah, I suppose it was. I was toast. I guess I'm back in the "sleeping all day" mode, we'll see what happens today, but none of the MS Society's offerings seem to offer help with the state of "I ain't got SHIT."

Well, I'm certainly not in denial about that. I am in a struggle over spend energy on something that's "good for you" but that itself is very energetically expensive and yeah, maybe it was good for me, but now I'm even more depleted than "I ain't got shit" and what am I supposed to do with that?

I accept having to shove things up various orifices to assist with basic bodily functions (see membership in "the Cath Club"). That doesn't bother me. I can even accept needing to go to particular medicinal herbs simply to be able to eat; some of them are very good at encouraging eating.

But when I get to the "I ain't got shit" stage, am I "accepting" it? Denying it? I don't think so, not the way I've denied way too many things in my past... but the Zen-like bliss of enlightened experience of life, no, that ain't happening either, as much Ram Dass as I read. Which, by the way, I recommend you do too.

Did some morning e-mail. Got one more that just arrived, to delete (an invitation to an even that I definitely ain't going to, disease or no disease, but that's another story). Maybe I'll go outside and groove on the sun. Maybe I'll try to write some music.

Maybe I'll give up. I dunno if that counts as "denial," but it's definitely not "acceptance." But giving up does have its appeal.

Because, right now... Basically, if something energetic doesn't just pop up and make everything magically better...

I ain't got shit.

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