Friday, January 17, 2014

Need; enjoy the trip

Today's entry may seem more "boogah boogah" than usual, even by my standards.

Yup. It is. So here we go, anyway...

Neil Degrasse Tyson described himself on a Bill Moyers show as having been "subpoenaed by the Universe," to walk the path of astrophysics.

I was "subpoenaed by the Universe" the other night, just sitting in the kitchen taking my medicinal herbs, with some ... amazing thoughts. They pretty much flattened me, even sitting in a wheelchair.

My doctor/acupuncturist/spiritual-advisor had a few years ago told me, "You needed to get MS." 

Now, having MS the way I do has ended my time (for now, at least, and let me say here and now that "for now at least" should be included after every "can't" in this paragraph because MS changes constantly, but I'm omitting saying that just to save space... let's abbreviate it FNAL, why not) of playing the organ, something I've been doing since I was five, even when all I could do was sit on a living-room chair and poke at it while organ music played in the background. My piano teacher once said that I was always playing the organ, even when I was playing the piano. Now, try as I might, I never could play the Gigue Fugue even vaguely close to the way Virgil Fox could (listening this clip on YouTube, even before the organ started playing, I began weeping at the beautiful things Virgil was saying, and the tears began gushing when the music started...) I wish I could say that I had studied with him, or that he was a friend of mine, but my life was forever changed by this wonderful, wonderful man, sequined buckles on his shoes and all.

I can't play drumset any more  or tune timpani with pedals, or stand behind percussion instruments and thus play in the percussion section (FNAL). I can't sing in church choirs because I can't walk up stairs to get into the choir loft or stand while I sing (FNAL)... There's what seems to be a constantly expanding list of what I can't do FNAL. 

Plus, looking back at the transition from my working life to my disabled life, there were several people who were... foci of dissonance, let's say politely, all of whom like me were convinced that they were the ones who were Right. Personally, I think my track record suggests that I had a better chance of having been at least a little accurate, and I sure like to console myself by adding "worth listening to" to the delusions that chain me to the past, but that's definitely another story.

Yeah, those delusions that chain you to the past are even so much better than acknowledging the truth...

So here's the spooky bit...

I needed to have those people frustrate me. I needed them to be the ones to get me out of my old life, and to break the chains that tied me to it in precisely the say that they did. With all the pain that accompanied the separation between me and not my "home," but my chains.

I needed to say goodbye to the organ and percussion and church-choir singing. I had pretty much come to the "I'm through with this" point, but it's a very different experience to meet a transition with "I'm done" and "You're done."

And the really spooky bit is...

All of this is precisely why I'm here. In this incarnation. To be frustrated. To have my dreams torn from me. To have my oh-so-comfortable life shredded.

I was at that school during the years I was working (or not employed by but still assisting them) there, specifically to help certain people, especially certain students. Very specific students, I was specifically there to help; I helped everyone that I could, but some of them, they needed me. They were at that school specifically for me to help them. And now, I'm no longer working there... because today, I'm not needed there (whether I like to think I am or not). Every time I say "Oh yes I am," I forge a new link to the chain that binds me, Jacob-Marley-style, to my own delusions and to my memories of the past.

Everything, for each of us, was for our own evolution. To become the person we needed to become. And what we needed, then, was the path we took to learn what we all needed to learn. Then... today, we need what we need today, not back then.

The people who frustrated me needed to frustrate me. I was there specifically in order for them to frustrate me. They needed to be the ones who were Right. They need to be precisely in the position they're in, to (as I did, and as we all do) reap the fruits of their labors. And to learn from them. And if they do, or don't... not my problem. I got enough of my own without worrying about them getting their "just desserts." As a character on Babylon 5 said, "Just think how horrible a place the universe would be if you actually got what you deserved."

And that's why I, and yes they, all came to this incarnation. To learn what we need to learn. Whether it was (is) convenient for me or not.

Now, how/why did we get put here? Whose choice was it, God's? The Universe's? Spirit's? Our own? (Some people like to say that we choose our parents...)

I have no idea. That's above my pay grade. A friend has told me "I've been born and died before, I just don't remember the details." And besides, I'm not in this incarnation to debug the incarnation machinery or assign credit or blame, see "above my pay grade" above. I've got enough to do just living in this MS-ridden incarnation, and MS or no, to help those who need me to help them, and to be helped by those who need to help me: In whatever way I can, in the way that is needed for me to help or to receive help, to make this a more beautiful, loving place. As for the rest of what I don't know anything about, I'll get the answers...

When I need them.

And hell. one more example? Treat? Again, poking around YouTube for it, I hear just the first chord, and the tears begin flowing... the Fantasy and Fugue in G Minor. Bach fugues often get names among the Music Folk, such as "the Little," "the Last Judgement," "the Wedge," things like that... this one is "the Great." Virgil told us that once, when the fugue began, he began astral projecting and flying around the room.

And when I heard him play it this piece live, with his amazing light show, for the first time... so did I.

And so may you.

Enjoy the trip!

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