Well, it was another one of "those treatments" at the acupuncturist this week... I got needled in one of those "you can't be serious... you want to needle me where?!?" points... which are, of course, always the most life-affirming, life-changing, treatments. The tragi-comic thing about it is... I've gotten used to it. Still hurts, but I'm told that I gotta get that point done, and I don't even say "oh well" any more. It's just... more of the same.
The most interesting question he asked me was about "What's missing, in your life, right now?" And what's interesting is that what's missing is just... missing. It's just... not there. It has nothing to do with The Disease—even though, it's quite true, that there are things that I physically can't do that I seriously miss, but those aren't the things that are Really Missing right now.
My former employment provided much of what I'm currently missing. Other former employers... co-creators of magical moments... friends... who for their own reasons needed to take themselves "off the board" and thus out of my creative/creation-of-things life; and thus, the "fuel for the fire" was also taken off the board.
All the M.S. programs in the world won't provide what I'm missing. I don't need physical therapy, I don't need intellectual activities, I don't need napkin folding. I miss creating things that enabled heart-to-heart connection. I can write all the music I want for myself... theoretically, at least. But it's nothing like writing something that people perform, and are moved by the performing of it... and that then people hear, and are moved by the hearing. It's the direct connection of the hearts of the creators and the participants who are present at the gifting of that creation, and who energetically join into the performance and co-create magical, transformative, moments.
Transformative moments. I miss those.
And that was the big truth of today's dharma talk... You—I— know what's missing. You—I— know what's needed.
And... I don't know where to find it.
Now, that's definitely a truth of the human condition. I know (I think) what I need, but I'm not sure how to find it. A question that makes "How should I attend to my neurological nonsense" or "WTF am I going to do with the insurance company" seem downright simple and straightforward.
As Super Chicken often said... "You knew the job was dangerous when you took it." Well... he was right.