Sunday, October 9, 2011

Still grieving

At church today, the organist delivered a superlative postlude. I fell in love with it upon the first three earth-shaking chords. It was precisely my kind of music. I loved it. It was exactly the sort of thing that I would have demanded a copy of, so I could learn it and perform it myself.

And then as soon as that thought hit me... another thought really hit me.

Yeah, that's exactly the sort of piece you used to be able to play. But you can't, now. The organist who would have played that piece... he's gone.


Yeah yeah yeah, I know, I may yet regain control of my legs, one never knows with this Neurological Nightmare, stranger things have happened, yadda yadda yadda. But right now, the truth is... that organist, the organist that I used to be, is gone.

And I'm not sure I'm quite finished with grieving his passage. No tears today, but the truth of that passing, really hit me.

My life is full of new things to do. I'm learning new magic tricks. I'm preparing entirely new lectures for all of my students. I'm actually writing new music. The "able-to-create me," who has been in hiding for so many months, seems to have emerged again.

But that organist, the organist that I've always been... is gone.

And his passing... I'm still grieving.

No comments: