Wednesday, July 24, 2013

"Dis"ease challenges

Well, as you can guess from the infrequency of my recent postings, something's going on. What that is, I'm not sure, but it's definitely keeping me away from anything involving being able to withstand "just sitting at the computer and typing."

My massive-air-quotes "walking" is degrading. I still am able to sort-of walk, if I have something to grab ahold of, I'm not completely confined to the wheelchair at the moment, but "using legs" is definitely unpleasant. I have my transport chair-slash-walker in the house, but even using a walker is unpleasant.

My relationship with physical therapy has not been good. I feel like doing any kind of physical activity past a certain point (which point moves, constantly) makes me feel like I had been poisoned. Pushing me past a certain point, at physical therapy (or anywhere, for that matter) pretty much makes me unable to use my legs at all, even for such things as making it to the bathroom and standing up/sitting down. I fear that if I get pushed "over the line," whatever that line happens to be at the time I get pushed over it, will make me unable to do anything. I've certainly felt like therapy has put me down on my back for the entire rest-of-the-day, plus the entire evening, and maybe the next day too.

I've talked to some of my medical team about this. Nobody has any idea what's up. Like they ever do, but hey, what the heck, might as well ask.

And now, here's the brain-melting part of today's chat. A couple of days ago, a thought came to me: The life I'm leading right now, I chose. I chose. Whatever it was that I did to bring me here, I chose to do those things. The jobs I took (and departed from), the skills I acquired, the everything... I chose them. And this is something that I used to say at my prior place of employment which always pissed people off—I think because it's so true... But here it is: Choose the path, choose the consequences. You want to get somewhere/something? And you chose the way to get it/there? You also chose the consequences that that very choice-of-outcome also created. (A lot of us learned that in college. You wanna drink that much? You're gonna pay. This works for pretty much everything, even if the consequent headaches aren't always as large as "you drank THAT much?" adventures.)

Which means that, if this is really true... Somehow, somewhere, I chose multiple sclerosis. This particular "kind" of M.S. that I'm currently experiencing.

I got precisely what I chose to have.

Which thought does put things in an interesting light...

So here I am. Precisely where I chose to be.

Well, if I can do nothing else, the least I can do is... get the most out of it.

Some parts of what's going on, I'm enjoying. I'm perceiving my wife in entirely new ways, seeing how unbelievably awesome she really is. Smart. Creative. Imaginative. Resourceful. Beautiful. Very very beautiful. And having known her since oh my, 1981, to finally see just how amazing she really is... that's a gift. It's a wonderful gift of my current condition.

I gotta tell you, I'd really like to be able to stand up without maybe hitting the ground, and stay standing without hitting the ground, and just f@#$king walk. But when I see my wife in new and amazing ways... that's wonderful. Who cares why? Doesn't matter. It matters that I fully experience it.

Which calls upon me to approach just the "living of the day" experience fully. The M.S. world is a world of very, very, rich experience. There's a lot of stuff simply to experience. Just to be fully present at/during/with, to really open myself to a very full experience of ... whatever there is to experience.

Would it be more "pleasant" to "enjoy" it? Yeah, probably, but to just do what Ram Dass said, to "be here now..." The M.S. experience gives me quite the experience.

And that's my current call. To just experience it. To participate in it. Not to fight it, not to "anything" it, nothing except simply to experience it.

An interesting "dis"ease, ain't it? To put us off our "ease" by requiring us to participate fully in the moment.

Getting my nervous system to do things it's not doing, that may not be achievable. But to be fully in the moment? That's doable. Just takes consciousness and practice.

The latter of which I am being provided many, many opportunities to do. Every minute... every second.

A gift indeed.

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