I find myself musing on my life recently... a lot. Kind of a "life flashing before my eyes" experience.
And no, do NOT worry, I don't expect (and I am certainly not planning) any sort of "check out" process in the immediately foreseeable future. Which is why these experiences are ... interesting.
My doctor tells me that this happens to everybody, that I shouldn't be concerned about the "happening" of such musings, they mean nothing (certainly, about said "immediately foreseeable future").
In an I'm sure completely unrelated coincidence, I ran across stories about a "Before I Die" interactive art-installation in Chicago. And I of course look back at what I have done, MS-ification or not, and whether there's anything on my own "before I die" list.
Well, I have got a couple of things on a "dude, I really really really want to get some work on this done" list, but it hardly qualifies as a "bucket list." And I'm sure all of us MSers have such things on a similar list, things on the top of our "if this @#$#ing disease would just GET THE @#$#$ OUT OF THE WAY, I would do it immediately" list. But those are different. Or so I think, here and now, at least.
But I'm so "zero passion" nowadays, I don't really have a "bucket list." Or an anything list, besides a couple of "I really want to write those pieces" compositions, things that the way my health is expressing itself is flummoxing. I've been very lucky in life, I've actually crossed things off my "bucket list." Opportunities for so doing presented themselves to me, I didn't have to seek them. And they were wonderful.
But I'm not craving "peak experiences," I mostly want stuff to just get the @#$@# out of my way.
I want to write music instead of having to lie down. A lot. Repeatedly.
I want the dull ache out of my legs; what I've been given to ameliorate it works wonderfully, but it's one of the only herbal formulas I've been given that has side effects, and although they're very mild I can deal with them (and the more I work with this stuff, the better I'll get at it), I'd be very happy to have that stuff out of my way too.
I want to be able to walk and play the organ again. Although I will keep the hand controls installed in my truck, I quite enjoy them, I think they're an improvement to the entire "driving experience."
I want to be able to cook again, and clean up the house. And take on my "Dude, you really need to see to this pile of crap" piles of whatever (well, crap), without having even the attempt aborted by inability to stand up, carry, bend over, and all the stuff that such activities require.
But, as the saying goes, you'll never to to any graveyard and find a headstone that reads "If I could have only spent more time at the office."
But how tragically painful would it be to find, in that same cemetery, a gravestone that read "If I could have only walked, cooked, and played the organ again." How sad is that?
But if the last thing I do on this earth is NOT put that on my gravestone and thus NOT make somebody unhappy... I will. Or won't, depending on how you want to look at it. So, if my "bucket list" is to not depress people, and even make them happier...
As Prismo said of a wish he was asked to grant, "I can work with that."