First off, though, whatever it is, it needs to be possible. "Yeah, I'm gonna get up an walk around the block the way I used to for so many years..." Yeah, that ain't gonna happen. Today, at least, MS changes all the time but that way? Not so often...
But sometimes, "dammit, I'm gonna do this" actually helps. It doesn't have to be big, or "significant" to anyone else. But it is for you, and you make it significant just by trying.
What's "doable" changes. A lot. Often in very unwelcome ways. But sometimes... dammit (or when I'm really stoked about something, it's "God damn it"), I'm gonna do [whatever], but I am gonna do it.
Could be simple, like "write a blog entry" (like this one). Could be simple, like "send e-mail to that friend," or MMS him the thing I meant to message him yesterday. Or the day before...
Sometimes it's bigger. Dammit, I'm going to take that [whatever it is] out to the trash cans. Sometimes, it's bigger in the just-doing-ness of it, as in "dammit, I'm going to go outside and pick a tomato," but going outside involves taking the wheelchair down, and then more importantly up, the ramp, which is a superb and generous ramp but hardly zero-effort.
Sometimes, dammit, I'm going to lie next to my wife and stroke her hair and enjoy just being with her. Doesn't seem to be a "dammit" thing, but when you're using outdoor plants to treat your neuropathic pain, you've got "I have no idea what it's up to" bladder issues, or other issue upon issue upon issue, even simple things slide into the "dammit, I am going to do this" category.
Sometimes, it's energetically expensive. VERY expensive. I had a "dammit, I want to go to the store and shop my own damned self and get whatever the bleep that I want for whatever reason" adventure, at which I ran out of juice for the shopping adventure about halfway through it, and although I did get stuff that dammit, I wanted to get, having zero energy and zero lists meant that a bunch of stuff just didn't get obtained.
Oh well. Another trip, maybe? Yeah, I guess so, but I gotta be willing to put THAT MUCH energy into just shopping, I dunno about that. Today, at least.
Today. An important word for us MSers, maybe it's a little NLP-ish, but it's important for us to say "I can't deal with this TODAY" rather than just "I can't deal with this." Less limiting, I think. I hope...
And it's more truthful. TODAY, I can't deal with it. As true as true gets, if "today," you can't deal with it. Telling the truth is always important, even in small ways like this one.
And a final thought, shared with me by someone who does kundalini yoga. A particular guru was on his deathbed, and one of his followers came up and asked, "How are you?"
The guru answered quickly: "Why do you ask me this? I'm fine. My body sucks."
And speaking of truth... how true is that for each of us? Sometimes, it's very true for me, sometimes... not so much. But it's very important for me especially, in my own MS journey, not to conflate the two. Again... speak the truth! Sometimes, I'm doing great! My body has issues, but me? I'm great!
When I am. And when I am, sometimes as they said on Babylon 5, it is "one moment of perfect beauty."
And one moment... isn't "each moment"... really and truly, a moment of perfect beauty?
3 comments:
Truly inspired writing.
I like the NLP technique...I employ telekinesis (my own brand) often. I say, I will [add any of your expletives] DO this, and I expect it to happen. If I really, really, really push the positivesness, it happens. Unfortunately, the negative often weighs me down. I'm saying to myself, "I can," but my mind says, "Oh no you can't!" Sometimes, I win.
"energetically expensive" - very descriptive!
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