Yet

This will easily be my darkest blogging day.

My last conversation with the internist basically recapitulated the words of Jon Stewart: "I got nothing." Or in their case, WE got nothing.

There's stuff we can give you to help your bladder, but they'll only do so much  good if the "wiring" causes the bladder to misfire.

There's stuff we can give you for your bowels, but they'll only do so much good if the wiring causes the bowels to mis-, or in my case non-fire.

I am totally not an invalid... but today, I feel like one.

There will be a gift hidden in this. One gift has been gaining new understanding of my wife and our relationship, that I never would have been gifted had I not been in this immediate condition. I know that I was gifted by being booted out of my former employer, because painful as it was to say goodbye that way, it was definitely time for me to leave. (And from what little I hear of the place, oh GOD was it time for me to leave before "now" happened.) But the gift... I don't see it.

Yet.

It is clearly time for me to change into something different. What, how, I don't know.

Yet.

But right now... spirituality and denial in all its forms aside, life pretty much fucking sucks right now.

There are ways in which it doesn't. Those need to be as true as the suckage is. They are. They are. But they're not connecting to my heart, the way the medical suckage is tonight.

Oh, I'll definitely be here tomorrow, don't worry about that! There are some conversations with the "discharge planner" being prepared, and those'll definitely take us somewhere different. Where, I don't know.

Yet.

But I would sure love to feel less an invalid. Which I don't.

Yet.