Tonight is Walpurgis Night. Traditionally, it is celebrated with dancing, and with fire.
I can't do the former; I can barely walk.
And fire...? I could use that, too. I could really use that.
Tomorrow is Beltane, one of the Celtic "cross-quarter" holidays. According to Wikipedia, the name means "bright fire."
I could really use bright fire, too.
The Tiny Buddha blog today reminds us that somewhere right now, someone out there feels exactly like you do.
So for those out there who feel exactly like I do...
May we all find the bright fire we seek
Monday, April 30, 2012
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Dents; somehow
Seth Godin's blog asked, "Are you making a dent in the universe?"
I feel like the universe has made a dent in me. Although, my spiritual advisers would remind me that much (most) (all) of that dent in me, I made myself. But still, I definitely feel "dented."
I took a longer-than-I-enjoyed walk in a shopping center today, to go from a favorite lunch spot to a "nearby" (no-quotes-"nearby" if you're not impaired) Chinese pharmacy to pick up some of my favorite lozenges. I didn't enjoy the walker-walk at all, but I did it because exercise is important, use it or lose it, yadda yadda yadda. Frankly, if I could have done it in my stocking feet rather than my shoes, I'd probably have despised it much less, but whadda ya gonna do, y'know?
I feel like I have no energy for anything. Hard to release the old to embrace the new when you don't feel like you have any energy to spend on either releasing or embracing. Everything is made more difficult when you don't have the energy to face the truth. It's one thing to flee from the truth—denial is something I've got way too intimate a relationship with, and way way way too much practice at—but to not want to look it in the face because you're just too damn drained... somehow, that's different.
There's a lot of "releasing" that needs doing. Much of the "needing to release" was catalyzed by M.S. symptoms; some of it was not catalyzed by, but revealed by, my current state.
Plus, there are Things in the physical world outside of my immediate condition that also need attention. Hard to muster enthusiasm for Taking Care Of Things, important though they may be, when you have no enthusiasm for doing anything.
Body, mind, and spirit are a single package. All of them need very special care, right now. Not just palliation, but tenderness.
Not sure exactly what I'm going to do right now, once I finish this, but... I'm going to be nice to me. Somehow.
Not a bad thing to do, Sunday evening. Be nice to yourself. Somehow.
So, I'll try that.
Somehow.
I feel like the universe has made a dent in me. Although, my spiritual advisers would remind me that much (most) (all) of that dent in me, I made myself. But still, I definitely feel "dented."
I took a longer-than-I-enjoyed walk in a shopping center today, to go from a favorite lunch spot to a "nearby" (no-quotes-"nearby" if you're not impaired) Chinese pharmacy to pick up some of my favorite lozenges. I didn't enjoy the walker-walk at all, but I did it because exercise is important, use it or lose it, yadda yadda yadda. Frankly, if I could have done it in my stocking feet rather than my shoes, I'd probably have despised it much less, but whadda ya gonna do, y'know?
I feel like I have no energy for anything. Hard to release the old to embrace the new when you don't feel like you have any energy to spend on either releasing or embracing. Everything is made more difficult when you don't have the energy to face the truth. It's one thing to flee from the truth—denial is something I've got way too intimate a relationship with, and way way way too much practice at—but to not want to look it in the face because you're just too damn drained... somehow, that's different.
There's a lot of "releasing" that needs doing. Much of the "needing to release" was catalyzed by M.S. symptoms; some of it was not catalyzed by, but revealed by, my current state.
Plus, there are Things in the physical world outside of my immediate condition that also need attention. Hard to muster enthusiasm for Taking Care Of Things, important though they may be, when you have no enthusiasm for doing anything.
Body, mind, and spirit are a single package. All of them need very special care, right now. Not just palliation, but tenderness.
Not sure exactly what I'm going to do right now, once I finish this, but... I'm going to be nice to me. Somehow.
Not a bad thing to do, Sunday evening. Be nice to yourself. Somehow.
So, I'll try that.
Somehow.
Friday, April 27, 2012
An interesting road...
A day of quiet confrontation. Sometimes, resulting in a coming to peace. Sometimes, resulting in... a quiet "hmm...." and more thoughtfulness, and quieter confrontation.
Confrontation with "the way it is, right now." I took something like an hour and a half to do dishes. Put a set into the sink to soak. Sit down. When I could stand up, I'd do some dishes, until I either came to a clear "break point" in the process, or it was clearly becoming unwise to keep standing. Repeat, again, and again, and again.
Adding to the comedy of the ballet was what I had left on the TV as something to keep me company. In the past I've enjoyed the Food Network, which seems to have become the 24-hour "Triple-D" channel ("Triple-D" is what the host calls his show). For me, it's "D for Dairy," and "triple" doesn't even begin to cover it. As someone who has been told by his healthcare providers to never, and boy does he mean never, have dairy in any form, never ever, I notice immediately that nearly 100% of the dishes have not only triple dairy (three kinds), but sometimes five, sometimes eight, different forms of dairy products.
Makes me think I can't eat anything, anywhere. Ever. Doesn't bother me that much, because I'm so into Japanese and Chinese food... oh, if I was put on a "no soy" diet, it'd be a completely different story of depressing culinary estrangement. You take what you can get, in this business.
Anyway, back to "confrontation"... I'm having to take serious... quiet, fortunately, but still serious ... looks at what I can and can't do. The dishes are only the tip of the "disability iceberg." As part of my disability-insurance -processing process, I'm going to have to fill out a list of skills, training, and experience... and just going through that in my head, not even on the page yet, so many items take the form of "Skill X... can't do that any more."
I'm also aware of the things that I do better than I ever used to do. Has to do with the "sensitivity" that gets cranked up to unexplored heights as part of the M.S. process... Heat sensitivity, cranked to "uncomfortable," cold sensitivity also cranked to "uncomfortable;" but compassion and empathy also got cranked, and those aren't uncomfortable, they're... blessed. Really. They're a wonderful blessing.
'Course, they don't fit on a "skills and training" form. Can't walk. Can't stand. Memory starting to crumble. Can't abide chaos. Can't schlep things. Can't sit in the same place for too long. Trick bladder. And oh yeah there's also this—near-telepathic empathy, and feeling the light of my heart connect to the light of the hearts of my students, and through that connection, catalyzing their self-empowerment.
A disease that makes "having a job" difficult to impossible, but increases one's ability to share joy, laughter, and the radiant light of the heart; and to show others how to find the light within their own hearts.
A very interesting road we travel, is it not?
Confrontation with "the way it is, right now." I took something like an hour and a half to do dishes. Put a set into the sink to soak. Sit down. When I could stand up, I'd do some dishes, until I either came to a clear "break point" in the process, or it was clearly becoming unwise to keep standing. Repeat, again, and again, and again.
Adding to the comedy of the ballet was what I had left on the TV as something to keep me company. In the past I've enjoyed the Food Network, which seems to have become the 24-hour "Triple-D" channel ("Triple-D" is what the host calls his show). For me, it's "D for Dairy," and "triple" doesn't even begin to cover it. As someone who has been told by his healthcare providers to never, and boy does he mean never, have dairy in any form, never ever, I notice immediately that nearly 100% of the dishes have not only triple dairy (three kinds), but sometimes five, sometimes eight, different forms of dairy products.
Makes me think I can't eat anything, anywhere. Ever. Doesn't bother me that much, because I'm so into Japanese and Chinese food... oh, if I was put on a "no soy" diet, it'd be a completely different story of depressing culinary estrangement. You take what you can get, in this business.
Anyway, back to "confrontation"... I'm having to take serious... quiet, fortunately, but still serious ... looks at what I can and can't do. The dishes are only the tip of the "disability iceberg." As part of my disability-insurance -processing process, I'm going to have to fill out a list of skills, training, and experience... and just going through that in my head, not even on the page yet, so many items take the form of "Skill X... can't do that any more."
I'm also aware of the things that I do better than I ever used to do. Has to do with the "sensitivity" that gets cranked up to unexplored heights as part of the M.S. process... Heat sensitivity, cranked to "uncomfortable," cold sensitivity also cranked to "uncomfortable;" but compassion and empathy also got cranked, and those aren't uncomfortable, they're... blessed. Really. They're a wonderful blessing.
'Course, they don't fit on a "skills and training" form. Can't walk. Can't stand. Memory starting to crumble. Can't abide chaos. Can't schlep things. Can't sit in the same place for too long. Trick bladder. And oh yeah there's also this—near-telepathic empathy, and feeling the light of my heart connect to the light of the hearts of my students, and through that connection, catalyzing their self-empowerment.
A disease that makes "having a job" difficult to impossible, but increases one's ability to share joy, laughter, and the radiant light of the heart; and to show others how to find the light within their own hearts.
A very interesting road we travel, is it not?
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