Useless advice

Sorry to have taken so long to share with you, but as you may have gathered from recent postings, my get-up-and-go has got up and went, as they saying so often goes.

Yesterday I caught the last few episodes of Anohana, a short 11-ep anime series currently only available to paid Crunchyroll customers (you can check out the first four for free, if you're interested).

It's really quite heart-wrenchingly beautiful. The characters have known each other since childhood, they grew up together in a Little-Rascals-esque clubhouse-cum-society. They care deeply about each other, some of them love—or would dearly love to love—one another, and to be loved that passionately in return... but there's way more than enough unrequited love to go around. At some point, we (the audience) realize that every single character is in denial about something very significant, doing their best not to confront what they themselves know they need to confront, but oh boy do they ever not want to confront it. Or themselves. Sound familiar?

An amazing article on Salon.com, "Where is my true path in life," full of noble sentiments like "You also need to be a secret warrior, plotting to take what is yours" and "Inside you is a vital force that is mad with desire to be realized."

Seth Godin's always tought-provoking blog sets forward encouraging words about  "Getting over ourselves."

A multipunch combination from The Universe, offering me, if not all of us, encouragement and challenging us to act.

And somehow... right now, whether maybe I need to hear all this or not, I don't want to even hear this. I just want to be left alone. Because I'll sit up and think about how I'd like to do something creative even, maybe... and then I have to lie down and go to bed. Perhaps then even to sleep, for a while. Hard to get over yourself if you're being sent to bed and pull the covers over yourself because you're so damned cold.

Anime offers encouragement. Salon offers encouragement. Seth Godin offers encouragement. A lot of other people offer encouragement too, but they use the most useless advice ever offered: "Well, just get over it. You really need to put this behind you."

Well, if I could do it that easily, don't you think I would have done it by now? You think this is FUN??? (Actually, sometimes, in a very twisted way, it is or at least is seen as more pleasant than change... but not now. Hardly, now. Not even a tiny bit, right now.)

A perfect cue to launch into a full-blown rage-filled screed... if I didn't need to go lie down and maybe go back to sleep. Which, if it keeps the screeds down, I supposed is indeed a gift of M.S., but... sigh. Bed.

Anti-motivation

Well, we nearly went down the "falling down" road again today, but this time, feet on a carpeted floor. Plenty of traction. Which is why almost falling was such a surprise. Yes, I was trying to close a skylight, and yes I had both hands on the crank-pole and neither hand on any support, but c'mon, I've been closing that skylight for freakin' years, and falling down hasn't happened yet. Yet. Well, whatever tomorrow may bring... not today.

Made it to two stores today, one to get a favorite breakfast cereal, one which also houses the closest pharmacy (time to pick up another set o' pills). Forgot to pick up something that has been on my shopping list for nearly two weeks, didn't realize that I'd forgotten to get it until I was on my way back to the car, all shopping already completed. Drat!

And something else raised itself to my awareness, as I was leaving the second store... Damn, do I move slowly. Really, really, really, slowly. I was hardly a sprinter inside grocery stores, but man, I used to be able to just plain walk at nearly race-walker speeds. It's no wonder it feels like it takes forever to do anything... all that time is spent just walking... slowly. So slowly.

Not encouraging. I don't think I'm actively "dis"couraged, but FRAK man, I move so frakkin' slow.

Something else I noticed today... I don't think I actually want to do anything any more. Anything. It's really a nadir of interest in living... I don't think it's an easily fixed acupuncture thing; sometimes I get really dark and depressed, and four needles later everything's just fine! But now, I have to prep a lecture (two weeks away), but I don't really care... I have a web site to set up to provide services for people I've always like helping, no motivation there... I have to clean up some music for a guy who wants to publish my work, I keep forgetting to do that and right now, I have no interest...

I just. Don't. F---ing. Care. At all. I'm not "depressed," that's not how I'd describe it, but even saying "unmotivated" suggests more gumption than I feel. Not UNmotivated, ANTImotivated.

I'm going to make myself a hot dog. Take tonight's herbs. That's about all I've got the gumption to do.

Well, I did manage to write a blog post. I guess that's something. I guess.

Thanks for listening.

Since that's the case...

My, my. Things change; things stay the same.

I hit the ground again yesterday. No damage beyond a bit of a scrape, but dang did it hurt. Causes: No traction on my feet (socks on linoleum) and something in each hand (bottle of ketchup and mayo, nothing heavy or awkward, but it kept me from being able to grab for support). Nice thing about socks is warm feet. Bad thing about socks is no traction. So, until new footies that have as much "I can feel the floor" as socks are provided, I'm going to live sockless. Cold feet, but no hitting the floor. That's what blankets are for, right?

What else? Let's see... The ongoing, repeated, never-ending, exasperating conversations with B-san (Mr. Bladder) are becoming ever more tiresome. Here's a typical "conversation"... B-san screams for attention, foreshadowing fountains that would shame the Bellagio.

I make a mad dash to the nearest bathroom and sit down, hoping to forestall a deluge on a Biblical scale.

Nothing happens.

Me: "Well?"

B-san: "What? You want something?"

Me: "I thought you wanted something. Desperately. Immediately."

B-san: "Why are you wasting my time?"

I give up. I stand up.

B-san: "NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW"

I try again. Maybe... maybe... B-san allows a few drops. At most.

Me: "Fine. Whatever. You're done?"

B-san: "What? What's this about?"

Me. "Fine." I give up again. I get up again.

B-san: "NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW"

Last week, I explain this to my doctor, and ask him "What am I supposed to do about this? Just hang on for the ride?"

Doctor: "Well, that's what we all have to do, isn't it?"

Well... yeah.

Since that's the case... might as well find the humor in it, eh?